It’s that magical time of year when spring has sprung. The flowers are blossoming, the trees have budded and the grass is growing like it’s been sprinkled with steroids. It’s all so whimsical, so enchanting, so… okay enough of that crap. What it really means is that seasonal allergies have descended upon the human race casting a wide net of misery and dread over any poor schmuck caught underneath it; I regret to inform you that I am one of those poor schmucks.


This year my seasonal allergies have climbed to previously unknown heights of wretchedness and I point the finger of blame toward the wind. What’s the deal with “expect wind gusts up to 50mph today” on a semi-regular basis; am I living inside of a tornado? Wind is the courier of despair, or as some call it, pollen. If pollen was sent like a fed-ex package the sender information would simply read, “devil”, because it is straight from the devil y’all.


Seasonal allergies make you want to do things that are nonsensical. For instance, multiple times a day I have an overwhelming urge to punch myself in the face or scratch my own eyes out. It may be my body telling me, “Just finish the job and get it over with already, this is too much!”


Throughout the day I aggressively scratch the roof of my mouth and back of my throat with my tongue until it feels like I burned my mouth on hot pizza or something. It’s painful but my throat itches so badly that I can’t stop myself! Another new hobby is to jam my finger into my ear and jostle it around at the same velocity that a jackrabbit pumps it’s leg; why? I have no idea, but it gives me some semblance of relief if only for a moment.


Other daytime treats include watering itchy eyes that leave me rubbing them so hard that when I’m done they are completely bloodshot and of course last but not least; the nose. How can your nose be stuffed-up and runny at the same time? Isn’t that some sort of physiological impossibility? I’m constantly sniffing snot back into my face but then when I attempt to clear it by blowing my nose hardly anything comes out. What is that about?My nose is steeped in contradiction. I feel the tingling, almost electric sensation like I need to sneeze about 50 times a day. When it comes on I freeze in place like a  hunting dog stopping to point while my eyes water incessantly, complete with a contorted facial expression and all for-nothing. Where did the sneeze go?! Are you kidding me?


An almost sneeze is similar to an almost vomit; you know you’d feel better if it would just come out. Out of the 50 times I feel the sneeze sensation per day I’d say I get about a 50% success rate. Which leads me to float this idea: How would you all feel about sending me $1.00 for every time I sneeze? I will keep an accurate tally and I’ll let you all know what it is at the end of every week; this is my new retirement plan. By my calculations I should be able to retire in approximately 2 months.


Let’s move on to bedtime shall we? You’ve carefully plotted out the most strategic times to take your allergy medications and use your netty pots throughout the day but now night is closing in; all you can do is settle in and hope for the best.


By settle in I mean: Grab all the tissue in your house and place it within arms reach of your bed then prop your head up onto two pillows leaving you in an uncomfortable upward hunch. After you’ve achieved the upward hunch you can proceed to twist tissue into a cone that you can then shove up into your face whereby you will be forced to leave your mouth gaping open in order to breath for the rest of the night.


At this stage you may be lying in bed thinking about how miserable you feel. You may find yourself thinking you’ve been defeated, demoralized and exhausted by these godforsaken seasonal allergies and to that I would say this: You haven’t yet reached bottom my friend. Morning will come and as you rise you’ll realize that your throat is as dry as the Sahara dessert while your nose feels like someone poured concrete into it in the middle of the night. You’ll be shaky and disoriented by how oddly awful you feel in the strangest of places.


Above all else you will feel an overwhelming urge to let every person that you encounter know how awful you feel in great detail. The world desperately needs to know just how badly you’re suffering! Granted, it’s not chop your leg off suffering, but it’s constant poke you in the eye suffering and I think either form less than desirable.


Here’s the good news: Eventually the wind will stop blowing and the pollen will stop being delivered straight to your doorstep via the devil, so until that day comes try not to punch yourself in the face or scratch your own eyes out. I believe it’s all downhill from here so just tuck and roll my friend, tuck and roll.